I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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