I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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