remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
