how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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