the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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