Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
