Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Randomize
