Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
