my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
