I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Randomize
