Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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