I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
When are your genitals available?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
