Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
