my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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