The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
