Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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