i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
