yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
