So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
