She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
