When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
