Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
