Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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