Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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