So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
