There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
