I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just want to make out with him forever
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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