Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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