You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
