five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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