That's when you crack a 10am beer
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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