God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Randomize
