My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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