So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
