guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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