he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
