my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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