Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
