I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
