Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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