He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
