she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
