I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
tell me about the eggs
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
