I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
