He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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