I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
