Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
