I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
