I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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