I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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