i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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